Well, they weren’t that bad. But the title has a nice ring to it don’t you think? If you have ever felt bad for your own love life and are looking for some support or a good laugh, look no further.
You don’t have to tell me that dating is hard. Trust me, I know. And that’s why things like this happen. We put ourselves out there, we get shut down. The other person puts themselves out there and we push them away. And there we have it, three fabulous stories.
Let’s get started.
1. Let’s start with my first ever actual date. It was a date to a dance. Not a school dance but to the “Mormon Prom” or as I like to call it “Mormal”. I was asked through a balloon tied to a bag of candy that also contained a note to decode that asked me to go to the dance. At first I handed the balloon to my sister because I thought if a boy was asking someone out, it had to be her (but that’s a story for another day). After figuring out that I was the one being asked and I said yes. I got a purple dress, coordinated the tie and got the shoes. The first problem for the Mormal, people from Coalinga, Corcoran, Lemoore, Selma etc. so most places have a dinner before the dance. My date wanted me to drive over to their town and have dinner there. The dance was in Hanford, why would I drive to another town just so I could drive back. So he was salty about that. But we get to the dance I am armed with my corsage and he has his boutonniere. The second we get there he says, “I have to go help in the kitchen.” So I walk in alone and find someone to talk to. And my date didn’t talk to me basically the whole dance. I sat alone, found some friends to talk to, and watched as my date danced with other girls and his occasional wave. So that was a blow to the self-esteem and luckily the night was over soon. So people start leaving, my dad came to take my sisters home, I begin to search for my date. I finally found him and I asked him when he was going to take me home. And this is what he said, “Sorry, I can’t take you home.” Luckily my dad hadn’t left and I ran embarrassed to the parking lot to find him. The night was over and the date was too. Tears were shed but why wouldn’t they?
Later to find out that he was told he had to take someone to the dance. I was just the lucky lady.
2. I like to call this story the-broken-penis-guy-story. If you are someone who I call a close friend I am sure you know this story. But here is the story in all its glory and splendor. From the very beginning. There was this guy in my theatre class, not one of my favorite people, but we were friends. And I knew that he was going to be gone for surgery and so I texted him the day of the surgery being the nice person that I am. So we were talking and he was like “Let’s go out!” and I was like “Okay.” And he wanted to go the same day he had his surgery and I spent an hour trying to convince him that, that was a bad idea. And in the end we went on the date. I soon knew that he had surgery on his groin. If he hadn’t have told me I would’ve realized it by his penguin waddle. So we went to Zeek’s to get burgers and shakes, we talked for a while. (Fun Fact about Michaella when I am nervous my stomach hurts, this is an important fact for the rest of the story). So then he is like “Hey, let’s go watch a movie,” so I was like okay… Me thinking that this means movie theatre begins to freak out about the fact that he is walking me into his apartment. My stomach begins to hurt more. I sit on his crappy couch as he fetches a blanket, I refuse the blanket. Blankets equal cuddling and I was not about to do that. At this point, I feel like I’m going to upchuck the whole world. So I begin moaning and shifting around until he finally asks me if I’m okay and ends up taking me home. Not the worst date I’ve ever been out on but it gets worse. So in class he started to avoid me and I was like that’s weird. So I was speaking to a friend in that class and I just started talking to him and she was like “Well he is basically engaged, I wouldn’t talk to you either.” BOOM SMASH and BANG. HELLO. I felt stupid. I felt more than stupid I felt a mixture of stupid, embarrassed and mad. So with all these feelings I ended up ignoring him back to the point where he texts me to ask “if anything is wrong between us.” After several texts back and forth I ended the conversation with “don’t you have a fiancé to talk to.” And just recently I got an e-vite to their wedding. And there goes the story of the-broken-penis-guy.
3. This story is one of my favorites. Anyone who knows me knows that I can always raise the awkwardness level ten-fold. So let’s start out first with a little lesson on some Mormon slang. There is a phrase called “filling the canteen” and it is used to refer to young men before their missions who date a lot of girls and make out a lot. Because they aren’t going to get any on their missions. So this boy asked me out and he was trying to fill his canteen. And I was very aware of this (because I knew of all the other girls he was also trying to take out on dates). So I thought what the heck. We decided to do dinner and a movie. But apparently he had practice and so we couldn’t set up a time so I was like on-call for this date. We didn’t have time for dinner so we grabbed a smoothie and got to the theater. Lucky for him I know the managers so he didn’t even have to pay for my movie ticket. But he did get a scare when one of the guys I don’t know came and asked for our tickets. But during the movie, he held my hand. And I won’t complain I like hand-holding and cuddling etc. (And my hamartia is that I’ll probably let anyone hold my hand.) But then the movie ends and after me striking down his ideas of staying out to star gaze, walk in parks, and whatever he takes me home. As we pull up into my drive way I gather my things and then he leans in and instead of going in for it I say “Oh no way.” I said that out loud. It was audible. Maybe had never been shut-down because he was surprised and said “what?” He then offered to walk me to the door and then I yelled “Nah I won’t get raped” as I ran to the door. It must have been really bothering him because he texted me multiple times and tried to get me to go out with him again. But now he is gone on his mission with only a partially-filled canteen. And just to set the story straight hand holding can be casual and yet kisses cannot.
Well, I hope you enjoyed these stories and I am sure there are more to come. Comment your horrible date stories and we can laugh together.
 |
| My face everytime I have a bad date. |
No comments:
Post a Comment