After I got locked in my roommate's room and I got over the anger that came with that, I started to joke. I started to laugh. I made this joke. I had dropped a mirror before I started school this year. Because all these crazy wacky things were happening to me. And it was funny. But then this Friday I ended up getting the bad news. The news that I had been dreading to hear. I moved from the dorms last year and my roommates parents bought a townhouse and I was invited to live there. I was so excited. It is a beautiful place, with a big kitchen and even it's own washer and dryer. I finally in all my 19 years of living would have my own room. I was beyond stoked. I got to live with my best friends. I moved all my stuff out here to Utah because I actually had a home. A place I could live until I moved on from being a single college student. I made this place my home. There was a problem though. BYU requires for all its single undergrad students to live in BYU approved apartments. This townhouse was not approved, but we were assured that it would get approved. And then it didn't. It was because the house was too far away from campus. And I am all too familiar with because of he many times I've walked home. The many bus rides. And the many times I've had to ask for a ride. But there was still a glimmer of hope. I could get a whole ton of information and submit and then get a waiver. I finally got all the information together and sent in. They said that I could get the waiver. That I could live there till April, but then I would have to move. No re-submitting the waiver. I would have to relocate. That was the news I didn't want to get. Because I found a home. I found my space in this sea of college students. Now I was being evicted from the place I found.I feel like every single time I try and make a decision for myself it falls through. I get screwed over and in the end I feel alone and incapable. Before you try and fix me. Force me to believe that everything is okay. Listen to what I am saying. Just because I am sad and upset doesn't mean I'm irrational, it means that I am experiencing life. My Mom got me this self-help book and before I threw it in the back of a drawer, I read a couple pages. It spoke about how when we have pains the first step to healing is not fixing them but acknowledging them. The book gave some weird analogies about a man acknowledging his stomach pain and talking to the anxiety inside him. Saying "Hey, I know you're there." It was weird, but there is a point to it. And so for this moment in time I will not try to fix myself. I will not try to make everything okay. Because at this moment I will acknowledge what I think and what I am feeling. I feel like I got screwed over. Not that this was anyone's fault, but I got the shortest straw. I didn't want to leave. I was assured that everything would work out and it didn't. And I have to deal with it. And I am upset. I don't understand why I can't stay. Every single thing I try fails.And fails miserably. I haven't felt successful in a long time. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do this. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do this because I feel like I am constantly battling upstream and I just keep getting knocked down. And this final straw is the one that is going to break me. I lay in bed and I cry because I brought my own bed to Utah. And soon I am not going to have away where to put it. It truly stresses me out.I sit in my room and I cry because it's not going to be mine anymore. I feel like no really cares and just thinks that I am just being dramatic. But I can't sleep because I am so anxious and stressed. I can't do anything and it tears me apart. So I watch Grey's Anatomy and I eat crackers so that I can just for a moment think of something else that doesn't put my stomach in knots. I only have 10 episodes left and that isn't going to last very long. But I will take what I can get. And you know what makes me feel worse. Here I am blubbering about my own problems when an actual disaster happened on Friday and people lost their lives. So many people stopped breathing and their hearts stopped beating. And here I am feeling sorry for myself. And that makes me feel like a monster. But I am feeling and I can't just stop. I am experiencing. I am experiencing this crappy fluid young adult life where nothing is stable. Where you don't live in a single place for longer than a year. Where you don't have classes longer than 4 months. Where you don't know how exactly you are going to pay for everything. Where people come in and out of your life constantly. Where your weight, schedule, and money in your bank account fluctuate as if it was their job. I hate it. I hate not knowing. Not being able to plan to fix things. It sucks. But I am doing it. I am dealing with it. I know that somehow I am going to deal with it. I am going to figure it out. But for right now I just want to feel. I want to acknowledge my feelings. I want to be heard, not fixed for the moment. I think that we often tend to skip this part. We see sadness as a disease that we have to get rid of as fast as we can. I think we should stop trying to fix ourselves all the time and for a moment be okay with being an emotional human being. If you made it to the end of this post, please take this away. We don't always need to be fixing ourselves. Healing is a process and we can't just make it better. I am working on it, but it takes time.
Till next time.
- M
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